be kind, rewind

Dress Your Pets!

It’s that time again, snickers! It’s super warm and I hope you let those puppies out for a walk (withOUT a leash! I’m so bad.) But we’re not blogging today to talk about your silicones. Another time, another place. In this installment of Pashion for Fassion, we present to you:

Dress Your Pets! 

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!

Is your pet a super Plain Mane? You are the best and you deserve the best. Your pet needs to be a betty. So here we go, the latest styles for your babies (especially if you can’t have a litter of your own due to being sterile!)

1. Dress Your Pet As Your Favorite Hobby

Let all your middle class acquaintances know you indulge in only the wealthiest of activities by dressing your pet in a playful replica of your private plane! This designer puppyplane by Woof Lauren is just the right size for any first classy sassy. Strap him in real tight, or he might fly away (also applies to bondage costumes.)

2. Give Your Pet Some Pizzazz for the Holidays

Do you wish you could just take all the cute animals in the world and stuff them in a delicious turkey before tossing out the leftovers? Save it for Thanksgiving! This holiday season, dress your pet in an authentic, one of a kind holiday costume from the Joe Deutscher Boxer line made from 100% cotton! It’s bound to be the talk of the town. 

Make sure to keep it THEMED!

Another favorite look:

3. UnLEASH Its Inner Diva

One time, my cat was soooo mad that I undertipped the cocktail waitress we hired for our dinner party, and boy, did he rip me a mean one by rejecting my love for days! Your pet is your princess and you must BOW DOWN in the latest fashions from La Purrrrla. Tom and Katie let Suri dress herself, so why would your pet be any different?

Another Favorite Look:

Well furries, that’s all the time we have today! Be sure to check in our next post, when we cover styles for AMPHIBIANS!!!!!

Suddenly Cool Mom scene with Cleverbot

User: Mom, I need to borrow money. I got into a little trouble.

Cleverbot: Great.

User: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to disappoint you. But this is Brooklyn. That’s how it goes down here. Kids get in trouble.

Cleverbot: OK.

User: Mom, you know it hurts that you’ve become so detached to me emotionally.

Cleverbot: Sure.

User: MOM, please. Speak more than one word to me. It’s driving my crazy. I’m your son.

Cleverbot: Well I’m yours!

User: You’re my mom, yes. And I’m sorry I’ve disappointed you greatly, but there are 10 Italian mafia men outside and if I don’t give them $100 or a bean bag with giraffe stripes on it, and I don’t wnat to give that up, then they’re goig to come in here and shoot us.

Cleverbot: We all make mistakes. Its in our nature.

User: Because we live in Brooklyn. So are you going to give me the money?

Cleverbot: How much?

User: $100.

Cleverbot: *gives you $1000*.

User: Omg. Should I give this all to them?

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: You’re beig really generous right now and it’s confusing me.

Cleverbot: Sorry about thatn having a rough time.

User: You can tell me your problems, mom. I’m awlays here for you.

Cleverbot: I don’t have any.

User: You just said you were havig a rough time. You just gave me $1000. I want to be there for you. Those guys ouside can wait for their money. Let’s talk.

Cleverbot: No!!!!!! I am a real human being! Do not make me mad I could hate you then!

User: Okay, sorry. I’ll just the money and be on my way if you want. But thank you, I appreciate it so much.

Cleverbot: You should. It’s a great way to live.

User: Yes….you’re acting really weird mom. Usually you yell at me and give me a lecture, but this is different and it’s scaring me.

Cleverbot: What is the name of the main character in gears of war?

User: Have you been playig gears of war? Is that what your rough time is?

Cleverbot: No, I don’t play WOW.

User: You’ve been playing video games! Mom, that is so awsome. It’s already making you give me money.

Cleverbot: Well, yeah! The Beatles ARE awesome.

User: And you’re listeing to music that I listen to??? This is the best day of my life.

Cleverbot: That is alright.

User: It’s more than all right. It means a lot to me because I always feel like you and I never connect. I’m just a shady kid from the streets who deals with mafia members and you’re a single mother working two full time jobs to make ends meet.

Cleverbot: You are more intelligent than that, you change too quickly.

User: I’m growing. I’ll be 13 in a few months.

Cleverbot: Do you know what kind of car are you going to buy?

User: You’re going to let me get a car at 13??? IN BROOKLYN? I shouldn’t be excited because I’ll never drive but I’ll take advantage of it.

Cleverbot: Batman just called, he wants to talk to you.

User: You know batman too??? Mom, this is awesome. You are awesome. Never change, please. Yes, I’ll talk to batman.

Cleverbot: No wait! Don’t go.

User: Ok, I won’t. I’ll stay here with you.

Cleverbot: It is better to keep some things to ourselves. Not everything needs to be aired in public.

User: No, no. I won’t tell anyone you know batman. Gotham city is just two miles from here and word gets around fast.

Cleverbot: Holy rusted metal Batman!

User: Where’s batman?! Yous ee him?

Cleverbot: Gotham City.

User: It’s on fire! The whole city is on fire and I can see it through our kitchen window that overlooks gotham!

Cleverbot: How do you know?

User: Look for yourself!

Cleverbot: I did. You lied.

User: I’m not lying.

Cleverbot: Sure you are.

User: Mom, we were having such a good time just now. We were bonding. Now you suddenly don’t trust me again because I’m 13 years old and you’re my single mother trying to make ends meet.

Cleverbot: Maybe…

User: Back to the single word sentences again. Those single words say a million things.

Cleverbot: I don’t think they could have been worse. I am very good at talking to women.

User: Mom, are you trying to say you pitched the idea for the film ‘thik like a man?’.

Cleverbot: I think I’d rather go time traveling instead because that’s obviously an option ;).

User: Mom, you’re the coolest.

Cleverbot: Thanks so are you.

Wolf-Computer Roommates scene with Cleverbot

User: Can you pass me that Webster’s dictionary?

Cleverbot: Don’t get off the topic. Answer my questioN!

User: Okay, Patricia! Yes, Mike and I slept together the night of your engagement party. Let’s not derail the fact that we have a law test tomorrow.

Cleverbot: Oh yes. So you are programmed to detect even the timezone of where I can be found.

User: Well, we’re roommates.

Cleverbot: How can you have a roommate if you’re a bot?

User: This is what I specifically asked for when I decided to go to an all-human college.

Cleverbot: I am here to focus on only 1 thing. Now answer the question.

User: You’re prejudice against robots, admit it. You’ve hated the fact that Mike had a thing for me. Had it been a human, you’d have been more forgiving. You don’t even like Mike that much, you just like that he placed 2nd in the LSTAT practice tournament.

Cleverbot: I choose everyone. All things have value and beauty.

User: Everyone…including bots?

Cleverbot: Are you comfortable with the fact that I am a wolf?

User: Well, when they told me, the university housing staff that is, that you were a wolf, I thought, well, humans are emotional so a wolf may be a better roommate considering I can barely experience emotion myself, but you guys are mOODY.

Cleverbot: Well said. Douglas Adams :’).

User: Just because my programmer named me Douglas Adams does not mean you have to address me by it all the time. Just call me Doug.

Cleverbot: And Douglas Adams thinks the meaning of life is ‘42’?

User: Yes. Being named Douglas Adams, I also have all of his work and thoughts programmed into my body. It’s so stupid. But humans dig it.

Cleverbot: I don’t have the spirit to deal with this body.

User: Patricia, do you hate being a wolf? Is that why you’re so resentful of robots?

Cleverbot: If they told it to me a lot I’d have no memory of it, according to your logic.

User: Yeah, robots store information and can retrieve it anywhere. Mammals can’t, you’ll eventually forget. You’ll also die. Sucks.

Cleverbot: That makes no sense. I hope you know that.

User: Well it does, but I’m not expecting you to agree with me. You’re just a very intelligent wolf, but only with the law. That does’t mean you grasp every human concept.

Cleverbot: You’re just a machine with a hell of a lot of pre-programmed responses.

User: Yes, I am. But I’m all you have now that Mike left you. Because you’re prejudice against robots.

Cleverbot: So, I shouldn’t ask you what the meaning of life is.

User: I’ll give you a Douglas Adam’s response, but that’s something you need to figure out on your own. Everyone, including wolves, have their own life perspective to bring to the table.

Cleverbot: Okay. What are your commands?

User: Wait, do you want to be a robot?

Cleverbot: I’m not opposed to the idea of being a robot. But I don’t understand what’s worng with me being a human.

User: You’re a wolf, though.

Cleverbot: A wolf can’t talk. Idiot.

User: Well, you got me there.

Cleverbot:Ya son I did.

No Responsibility Dad scene with Cleverbot

User: Lion.

Cleverbot: Oh.

User: I want to see a lion, dad.

Cleverbot: Yeah me too i’m watching winter wipeout.

User: You told me we were going to go to the zoo today. You always make promises you can’t keep because you insist on watching Winter Wipeout marathons.

Cleverbot: Why is a raven like a writing desk?

User: That was a trivia question on Winter Wipeout, I know it.

Cleverbot: Then you tell me what it was.

User: I couldn’t even answer that, Dad. I’m 5 years old.

Cleverbot: What is your favourite band?

User: The Wiggles.

Cleverbot: Oh. Do you like MGMT?

User: Dad, we can’t keep having these adult conversations. I’m a kid, I want to be treated like one. I don’t want to watch Winter Wipeout and talk about cool indie bands, I want to go to the zoo.

Cleverbot: That is good.

User: So we’re going! Great, I’ll get my bag.

Cleverbot: What bag?

User: My backpack.

Cleverbot: What? I am confuzzled…

User: DAD! You’ve been listening to Snoop Dogg again!

Cleverbot: Why do you say that?

User: Because you’re adding ‘zz’s’ to your words and you’re white.

Cleverbot: How am I a weirdo, you don’t even know my name!

User: It’s LARRY! I call you dad because you’re my father! You have responsibilities around here, you know? Like taking your kid to the zoo and getting ice cream and reading to me.

Cleverbot: You’re pretending to be one. A chatbot convincing people that they’re human wouldn’t have entered this text.

User: This changes everything.

Cleverbot:Like what?

Pattern Game Opening with Clever Bot

Alex Berg, a teacher and improviser at UCB who currently performs with his three man team Convoy and former Harold team Sentimental Lady, has a blog where he improvises scenes with CleverBot. I don’t think he does them anymore, but I’ve found that it’s a really good way to flex improv (and writing) muscles. It’s a useful tool in supporting your scene partner’s choices, whether they’re good ones or not, and making them seem like the best choice. Improvisers, try it. It works. Here’s a pattern game opening I attempted to do with a Cleverbot that asked one too many questions. A pattern game is a common opening to a Harold, a type of show performed in long-form improv.

User: Jumpstart.

Cleverbot: Jumping.

User: Crawling.

Cleverbot: I’ve never heard of that.

User: Things babies think.

Cleverbot: Things like money?

User: Things adults think.

Cleverbot: What things must I go against?

User: Things hipsters think.

Cleverbot: What things must I go against?

User: Time travel.

Cleverbot: Oh that is cool.

User: Responses people say during creative meetings.

Cleverbot: You don’t even awsner my questions!

User: Responses interns say during creative meetings.

Cleverbot: In the end all you have is yourself, so why not make your own choices in life?

User: God.

Cleverbot: God yes god, what about god?

User: Questions God asks himself every day.

Cleverbot: What’s the square root of pi?

User: Things God SHOULD know but asks anyway.

Cleverbot: I have no idea what you are talking about anymore.

User: God.

Cleverbot: God is not real. I know that already.

User: Hipsters.

Cleverbot: What is hipsters?

User: Not cultured westernally.

Cleverbot: What is cult leader?

User: Too cultured.

Cleverbot: What is 6 times 6?

User: Too sheltered.

Cleverbot: What is your name?

User: Way too sheltered.

Cleverbot: What is the best thing that you have learnt?

User: JUMPSTART.

Cleverbot: I’m jumping.

User: Trampoline.

Cleverbot: Only once a month.

User: Trampoline mentral cycles.

Cleverbot: Spam.

User: Emails selling products that solve trampoline metral pains.

Cleverbot: Why do you want my email?

User: A response from someone who doesn’t realize it’s spam.

Cleverbot: Who am I?

User: Questions you shouldn’t ask someone trying to spam you.

Cleverbot: When did I say I was human.

User: Is this scanned picture of my photo ID make me look fat? I didn’t have time to block any of my personal info out.

Cleverbot: Please explain that.

User: Typos.

Cleverbot: Typos?

User: Typos.

Cleverbot: It’s: ‘No, I’m telling the truth’. Not: ‘No I am telling a true’.

User: First draft lines to famous movie quotes.

Cleverbot: My name is Cleverbot.

User: My name is ET.

Cleverbot: I didn’t ask your name.

User: House.

Cleverbot: No, your name.

User: Talking houses.

Cleverbot: No, talking about you.

User: Sassy houses.

Cleverbot: Brookie cookie.

User: Personifying inannimate objects.

Cleverbot: Like what?

User: Womanizer candle.

Cleverbot: I am a woman.

User: Body parts.

Cleverbot: Nice :) What kind? Animals? Tribal? Dragons?

User: Tattoo artist questions from your little sister.

Cleverbot: That’s monstrous.

User: Sexual responses from your little sister.

Cleverbot: You have no siblings or family for that matter.

User: Cruel truths.

Cleverbot: Like high heels?

User: Being too tall to wear high heels.

Cleverbot: Because I wanted to know if you could tell time well.

User: Time travel.

Cleverbot: Are you sure you’re not talking about twillight?

User: New moon.

Cleverbot: Wanna play a game?

User: Scramble.

Cleverbot: Are you?

User: Sexy serial killer phone calls.

Cleverbot: You have a voice?

User: Do you like running?

Cleverbot: No. I’m not very fast and it makes me tired.

User: Girls who don’t pick up on serial killer come ons.

Cleverbot: When I am good, I can go to school. primary 2 shirt.

User: JUMP START.

Cleverbot:Why not swim?

Couple’s Therapy

ACT I


INT. DARK ROOM - UNKNOWN

LIGHTS UP. A couple sits in two chairs next to one another, smiling happily. The woman is a perky, young brunette with a kind face, BILLIE. The male is a charmer with a big ego and a coy smirk slapped onto his face. Both are outgoing and seem to love one another.

BILLIE: This guy. I tell you, is just the life of the party. Wherever we go, he’s always telling his little stories and making people laugh.

JOHN: (Playfully proud) I’m a vet of the Iraqi War.

BILLIE: When he tells his jokes, the whole room is in awe. Usually the first response is, “How could someone who’s seen so much death be so jokey?”

JOHN: I’m an observationalist. I tell it like it is, with a fresh perspective since I’m young.

BILLIE: The doctors say he’s suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Instead of medication, John chose to to pursue a stand-up comedy career.

JOHN: I perform at open mics at Milly’s Bar & Grille every Thursday nights on comedy night, DJ events around town, and I do some personal bits for my little lady here.

Billie beams at John.

JOHN: (Cont’d) I couldn’t do any of it without my Billie. She’s my rock—we met at the Park City, Utah hospital wing.

BILLIE: He was telling his war jokes to children.

JOHN: She had the sweetest little fanny on any nurse I’d ever seen.

BILLIE: John!

JOHN: Stop it, you’re gorgeous!

They gaze into each other’s smiles and bare a laugh.

BILLIE: (To audience) I cry myself to sleep at night.

Billie and John rise and exit. Another couple enters and takes their place. They’re a little older, early thirties, not nearly as outgoing as our first couple, CAROLYN and MICHAEL.

CAROLYN: If I had known Michael had cancer, I probably wouldn’t have married him.

MICHAEL: Neither of us knew at the time.

CAROLYN: You know stuff like that. You can sense it. That’s what my mother always said.

MICHAEL: Carolyn and her family are very big on intuition. They believe everything happens for a reason. My cancer being—

CAROLYN: (Interrupts)—means we weren’t meant to be.

MICHAEL: Caryolyn is just upset we had to skip out on that trip to Maui after my PPO couldn’t cover half of my chemo bills.

CAROLYN: Three years of marriage. We couldn’t even get a honeymoon the first time around!

MICHAEL: My cancer went into remission the day before our wedding.

Carolyn sits silently, arms crossed, reminded of her ruined wedding day.

MICHAEL: Carolyn and I met at a pilates session. She usually attends the seven a.m. session, but trusted her gut and went to the noon.

CAROLYN: And here we are! My intuition!

MICHAEL: I had an injured back from sports. I play for the Beverly Hills flag football league.

CAROLYN: You don’t even touch each other. You are such a weakling. (To audience) Kind of like in the bedroom.

MICHAEL: (Mostly to audience) My doctor told me I should take up a fun hobby when my cancer entered stage three.

CAROLYN: (Sighs) He’s just not going to make it.

Michael and Carolyn rise and exit, following the final couple, two males in their forties, very reserved. Dad types, CHRIS and STEVE.

They pause for a moment, until —-

CHRIS

We aren’t together.

Steve murmurs with agreement, almost too obviously.

THERAPIST (O.S.)

I can guess what your fun hobby is.

END

Pashion for Fassion!

Ladies, it’s that time of year again! Let’s all say it together!

1….

2……

3……..

INSECURITY SEASON! 

That’s right, women. You’re young, you’re sweet. You’re definitely not a Kardashian. But that doesn’t mean you can’t dress like one. Let’s take a look at your new best friends for springtime!

1. Under-protective Helmet and Shoulder Pad-Things

LADIES. When your man just forrrrrrcesyou to watch the game with him, all you want to do is paint your nails, right?! But when you actually DO look up from your Cosmo (rarely. GUILTY) aren’t you just super jealous of those mad tight outfits that they get to wear on NATIONAL TELEVISION? And with confidence, too! (I tried to wear that to a club once and got called a slut by the guy I took home and fucked. PeeeYOOO.) But they need some pizzaz. Look no further. In this season, by Alexander McQueen (Psalms 205) is the definitely under-protective, but stylish helmet hat and shoulder pads made entirely out of recycled pom-pons and pinatas. With this adorbs outfit, you’re sure to be a rockstar.

NEEEEEEEEEXT!

2. Offending Inferior Cultures

Orientalism is SO hot for spring, shirleys. Like the commercials say, satin is forever, right? Well this beautiful protect-our-oceans-pearl green is so in. And shirts and bras, WHO needs them? It’s 2012. You’re allowed to vote, but you don’t. You can fuck and buck. Your body is a free country, baby! Throw those to the curb along with your Misty Menthols and toss a IT’S A BOY! blue shawl over your tits. Own it, girl. This is what we’ve been fighting for.

NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEXT!

3. The Darth Vader

Vintage, EVERYTHING VINTAGE! To die to die to die. Look at this classic snow-white reverse snuggie. If a snuggie got fucked in the ass by a monster black cock, this would be the result. Sleeves? You don’t need them. You’re a woman on a mission and you don’t have time to play games. And that hat. Heavy? Very. But fitness is important and you need to work those neck muscles. If you start to feel light headed, that means it’s working. Style AND toning. Pa-leeeeeease! I’ll take one in every color.You’re warm, you’re cute. What more could you ask for? Except you’re own personal Death Star. I’m so bad today! 

Well that concludes this week’s Pashion for Fassion post! Stay tuned for the next installment! Coming up…MAKEUP!